Pretty fucking low, it seems.
Before I had my third child I was somewhat anal took housecleaning very seriously. After Thing 3 was born and I went back to working fulltime, I realized that either I was going to have to lower my standards or I was going to go insane.
But I’m an overachiever, so I did both.
Somewhere along the line, I signed up for emails from The Organised Housewife. Originally, I suppose I wanted to get these daily reminders to help me stay on top of shit. Now I use them to make me laugh. Like, ha-ha, motherfucker, no.
Everyday I get an email from them and they seem insanely helpful, if I cared anymore. But I am so far past caring that sometimes when I read an email that says, “pick one cabinet and organize it” I just want to go and throw all the things all around until there isn’t even a cabinet.
Yes. I believe I did mention that I’m also on the crazy train.
I’ve always been a list maker. When my husband worked fulltime and I stayed at home with the kids, I would make lists so that he could see what all I’d accomplished that day and he would know that even though I was still in the same 3 day old pajamas he left me in, I HAD BEEN DOING STUFF. Important stuff, like sanitizing the microwave. I’m not even totally sure where my microwave is located at this moment. My how things have changed.
Anyway, I still make lists, but instead of long lists of things I want to accomplish in a day, I make lists of things I’ve already done. Here are some sample lists from my ever-present notebook:
1. Get out of bed.
2. Write.
3. Eat.
4. Feed cats.
5. Read internet.
6. Maybe do some laundry. Just wash.
7. Maybe dry the laundry you might’ve washed.
8. Throw clean laundry in a pile.
Notice the list doesn’t say “feed children.” Because even I remember that without writing it down. Because they constantly ask for food. All day, every day.
Here’s one titled “Things I am Currently Not Fucking Up”
1. Taking me time.
2. Writing.
3. Kids.
4. Marriage.
another list, titled “Things I am Currently Fucking Up”
1. Everything else.
I’ve been doing really good at writing things on my list that are easy, so I can look at my list at the end of the day and know that I’ve been productive. It’s really easy to be productive when you use this system. Shit, I may as well start my own email reminder.
“Good morning, fellow lazy asses. Today’s chore is to add a banana to your ice cream. Yes, I said a goddamned banana split. We CAN DO THIS!”
Or
“Good morning, sweethearts. Today we’re all going to take a moment to remember how awesome we are. This moment will last approximately 2 hours and is otherwise known as a nap. Enjoy.”
I could really get into this. I’m like a damned guru. I will teach you ALL THE THINGS!
So, are you a list-maker? Is your house spotless or spotty? Would you call yourself organized? Does it bother you that organized is spelled with a Z and an S within this post?
We Don't Chew Glass 
July 20th, 2014 at 5:30 pm
I would subscribe to that newsletter and I would READ IT EVERY DAY!
Your list of things you’re not fucking is up counts more than everything else.
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July 20th, 2014 at 5:32 pm
Lol. I’m too lazy to do it every day! Maybe. I really like lists though.
Thanks. I think I’m getting the important stuff. 🙂
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July 20th, 2014 at 5:37 pm
If “writing” is on the “not fucking up” list, and you’re remembering to feed the monsters, you’re doing WELL. Way to go!
I sort of follow FlyLady, and she keeps me sane-ish. At least when the house explodes I have a starting point to unexplode it. But with six large dogs constantly shedding the equivalent of many small dogs, it’s pretty much a lost cause.
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July 20th, 2014 at 5:41 pm
Well, it depends on the day. Some days I think I’ve done great, then some other days I think I ought to trash the whole thing.
I’ll have to check out FlyLady; never heard of it. Thanks!
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July 20th, 2014 at 6:02 pm
I’m a huge list maker! There is something about checking a task off a list that makes me feel all productive. I have both paper lists and lists on my phone — and some things stay on the list for months and months, because something else usually comes up (like reading blog posts or playing Candy Crush) that prevents me from getting to all the tasks on my lists.
My house alternates from being presentable (I wouldn’t go so far as to say “spotless”) to looking like Godzilla strolled through. However, these days I’m trying to keep things more organized. You see, back when the husband was still living here, he would do a lot of the housework and dinners — because he worked from home. So, now it not only makes me feel better to have a fairly clean house — but it’s also kind of a “fuck you” to the husband — as in “Fuck you, asshole! I’m not falling apart and I can still manage to keep the house cleaner than when you WERE here!”
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July 20th, 2014 at 6:05 pm
Another thing we have in common. And, ooh, I do clean when I’m angry. I think it’s therapeutic. You don’t need him (mops floor) You’re a grown ass woman (puts laundry away) Goooooo Jana! You know I’m cheering for you, sweetie.
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July 20th, 2014 at 6:07 pm
I sign up for those kinds of emails all the time and then they immediately get deleted without me even reading them for like a year. Eventually I unsubscribe or mark them as “spam.”
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July 20th, 2014 at 6:13 pm
God, we’re terrible. But it’s the thought that counts, right?
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July 20th, 2014 at 6:42 pm
I think your list of lists is great. The first item on my To Do List is to write that list. But then somewhere along the line it all becomes overwhelming because it takes me all day to write the damn list and by the time I finish it’s got like a bazillion things on it and I’d need to clone myself a few dozen times to get through it…so I grab another beer and cry into it. Then it’s tomorrow…easy!
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July 20th, 2014 at 6:44 pm
Genius. You are a genius.
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July 20th, 2014 at 6:48 pm
Todays list:
1. Write To Do List
2. Read Stephs blog
3. Drink beer
2 down, 1 to go…it’s gonna be a good day, Steph
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July 20th, 2014 at 7:00 pm
You just totally made my day. BEST LIST EVAH!!!
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July 20th, 2014 at 7:03 pm
Haa! Winner, winner, chicken dinner! I shall raisse the first one in your honour you as I cross off item 3 thisarvo, Steph. Cheers!
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July 20th, 2014 at 6:57 pm
1. I am a list maker.
2. I’m very tidy.
3. I’m also very organized.
4. I have a tip for a very easy Banana Split milk shake, which you might be able to modify for your crazy diet. Make your vanilla “milk” shake and add a sleeve of those rotten ass Dole frozen strawberries covered in chocolate and a sleeve of those rotten ass frozen bananas covered in chocolate. That’s the only decent thing to do with those fucking things.
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July 20th, 2014 at 7:02 pm
I make lists for every damn thing. I myself am fairly tidy, but the rest of my family – not so much. The only time the house is clean to my standards is when I’m home alone. I’ve never heard of these rotten fruits? but I do have some frozen bananas and strawberries – if I put chocolate in it will it be like ice cream?
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July 20th, 2014 at 7:10 pm
I would imagine that the frozen fruit along with some chocolate mixed into whatever milk-type stuff you can have might do the trick. I saw this fruit stuff and thought, “oh yes, this sounds delightful! I enjoy these fruits and I enjoy chocolate.” And then I figured out that the chocolate melts immediately and it gets you all sticky and the fruit is frozen *solid* and it’s really a miserable excuse for food.
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July 20th, 2014 at 9:40 pm
*Are you a list-maker? Yes, but I keep them short.
*Is your house spotless or spotty? My house is so bad it’s far beyond spotty
*Would you call yourself organized? Not in this universe
*Does it bother you that organized is spelled with a Z and an S within this post? Not really. The English language is such a mess it’s amazed any of us can spell. .
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:28 am
Thanks Bradley! Another list maker, but not an organized list maker. I have to write shit down or I won’t remember it at all..
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July 21st, 2014 at 12:56 am
Chooks in the kitchen, poop in kitchen. Cat in the kitchen. Cat throwing up in kitchen. Lists may help but what about all the other stuff that just happens? Been up two hours, life uneventful so far! Ach, if you love ’em, clean ‘en and feed them; you’re doing OK. Yea my bananas are brown, I did not know to separate them ,thanks for the heads up! 😉
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:30 am
Lol! I tried that and my bananas are still brown. Maybe I just wait too long to eat them! I just freeze them if they turn brown. The idea being that I will eventually make banana bread, but really my freezer is just full of frozen brown bananas.
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:43 am
Yea, some other “organised” person tells me that, like I didn’t do that in a past life AND make banana bread! 😉
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July 21st, 2014 at 5:08 am
I think I have the mind of an organised person, but I’m far too lazy to actually implement anything. So my house isn’t particularly clean; I’m not OK with it, but I won’t do anything about it because I’m too lazy and there’s always something else (i.e. laying on the sofa watching TV) I’d rather be doing.
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:31 am
That is exactly my problem! I want everything to be in its place, but I don’t want to put it there!
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July 21st, 2014 at 6:13 am
You want me to write my lists down? What, like on paper?
Ok. Here goes:
Things I’ve accomplished so far today:
– Got out of bed
– Resolved to find the damn cricket that chirped at me all night long
– Internetted
– Made a list
I’m calling that good.
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:32 am
Excellent! I like a list called Things I’ve Accomplished So Far Today. That’s a keeper.
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:36 am
get it out of the way early, I say.
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July 21st, 2014 at 6:47 am
“Ha-ha, motherfucker, no.” That made me giggle like a schoolgirl.
List of things I am currently fucking up
Um, life.
My microwave needs cleaned…time for a new one, methinks.
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:34 am
Lol! Throw it out!
Yeah, I’m not doing so great at the whole “functioning adult” thing either.
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:38 am
I just steam cleaned my kitchen floor, cleaned the half bath, cleaned the kitchen up a bit, and totally bypassed the microwave. I am now sweating like a whore in church.
So later, I plan on not being a functional adult, but damn if you can’t see your reflection on my floor.
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:51 am
Later, you’re not going to be able to walk. I just discovered that my idiot cat had diarrhea all over the side of the litterbox and the floor, so I guess I’m doing floors today too.
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July 21st, 2014 at 9:18 am
I’m already sitting here wondering why in the hell I didn’t just have my daughter do it.
Oh, because she does everything half-assed. At least the steam mop is still fun to use.
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July 21st, 2014 at 9:23 am
I try to tell myself that even when they don’t do it to my standards, it’s better than it was before they started. Although usually it’s worse.
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July 21st, 2014 at 9:26 am
I asked her to do two things for me, load the dishwasher and vacuum. She left pans in the dirty sink. I made her do it again, ah hahaha! *evil mom laugh*
Hasn’t even sprinkled the carpet with Fresh Step yet. Oy.
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July 21st, 2014 at 9:28 am
Oh shit, not Fresh Step! That’s cat litter.
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July 21st, 2014 at 9:33 am
I did not even catch that, and this is why we can’t be trusted. With anything.
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July 21st, 2014 at 9:40 am
I know! Can you imagine?
“But mom, I don’t think this is Carpet Fresh!!”
“Do as I say, child.”
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July 21st, 2014 at 10:14 am
Bahahaha!
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:01 am
love it! u r hysterical. yes I have reminders and alarms and shit that go off on my phone. I can’t fold laundry unless my floors r clean. I feel guilty if I’m doing one thing and neglecting others. I live in a cyclical projectile vomiting adhd ocd state of clean messiness.
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:36 am
“I live in a cyclical projectile vomiting adhd ocd state of clean messiness.”
Too funny! I will go crazy one day and just CLEAN EVERYTHING, then of course I can’t walk the next day or three and it ends up looking just like it did before. One thing I am terrible at is dusting. I hate to dust.
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July 21st, 2014 at 4:37 pm
Me too!! lol !
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July 21st, 2014 at 7:34 pm
this might be a blog (my quote above) I cant stop my brain but I can’t get much accomplished..so I completely relate to the to do list. I have a pillow with the words “keep it simple” emblazoned on it
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July 22nd, 2014 at 9:53 am
I’ve thought about getting a tattoo that says “let it be.” Cause I definitely need to just Let. It. Be.
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July 24th, 2014 at 7:27 pm
YES LOVE!!
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:47 am
I don’t do lists, but I’ll gladly sign up for your email service.
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:52 am
Hahaha! I may be onto something with that one.
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:57 am
I think you just might be.
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:48 am
My husband and I both were super anal cleaners/organizers but as the kids got older he got more frustrated and I was too stressed out and tired to realize that I was turning into Momzilla. He reminded me that we have 3 little, personal maids that had been very well trained. My best invention yet: Room to Rooms – how to get a spotless house while drinking a cold beer!
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:55 am
My problem is I like to *organize* but I don’t like to *clean*. What are Room to Rooms? Sounds vaguely military, lol.
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July 21st, 2014 at 8:56 am
heehee – no military background, just “mean ‘ole mom” stuff.
http://pretendtobenice.com/2014/03/28/room-to-room-aka-you-call-this-clean/
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July 21st, 2014 at 9:09 am
What an excellent idea! *writes room to rooms on list*
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July 21st, 2014 at 9:10 am
Oh my goodness. I so need a “List of Things I am Not Currently Fucking Up”. Pure genius. Sadly, I think only “Kids” goes on mine. And that one’s iffy.
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July 21st, 2014 at 9:22 am
Right?! I maybe should’ve added “Things I Might Be Fucking Up” and put them on that one.
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July 21st, 2014 at 10:23 am
OMG I love this! I’m a total list maker! You KNOW you’re a list maker when you write things down you’ve already done just for the satisfaction of crossing it off!!
and I SO get how priorities change after kids. I used to be so anal, I’d (not even kidding) put everything in the pantry and fridge in rows depending on category, and all the labels had to face front. If I found so much as a crumb in my fridge, the whole thing would get emptied and cleaned. Now? hahahafuckinghahaha it’s laughable. I could eat an entire meal off the crumbs/jelly/whatthefuckisTHAT on my fridge shelves, and my pantry looks like the kids put the food away.
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July 21st, 2014 at 2:18 pm
I’m a huge list maker. #1 on my list every day is “Make list” so I always get something done. Sometimes I wander around my house and thinking, “That’s really filthy–I should clean that.” And then I think, “Fuck that noise.” I finally enlisted my children as cleaners–every week they’re required to vacuum one room–living, dining, kitchen/mudroom, or hallway. They talk about “enforced slavery” and “child labor laws” and I talk about “cleaning toilets.” Somehow I always win those little quarrels.
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July 22nd, 2014 at 9:48 am
Oh, my kids hate cleaning bathrooms. But…so do I, lol. I’m going to start saying, “Fuck that noise” every time I see something I should clean.
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July 21st, 2014 at 6:45 pm
I’m definitely a list maker although sometimes I write things on the list that I’ve already done just so I can cross them off !!!!!
I don’t see ‘z’ or ‘s’ in words – although I do notice missing ‘u’s !!!!!
My house is definitely of the spotty variety – unless you count the evening after the cleaner has been once a fort-night – then it’s clean – but not for long !!!
Have a great day !
Me xox
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July 22nd, 2014 at 9:52 am
Oh, how I wish I had a cleaner to come! Maybe one day when I win the lottery!
I also write things down that I’ve already done. Makes me feel super productive.
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July 22nd, 2014 at 10:06 am
I used to get The FlyLady newsletters, and the very same thing happened. Until I went through an angry phase and deleted her from my life. The standards are low. Very loooooooooow. At least until the kids are out of here.
Although right now, they will still do some chores. They are pretty much the reason the dishes get done. I’m thinking about putting some Transformer logos on the vacuum cleaner to get my son interested in that. I’ll add that to the list…
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July 22nd, 2014 at 10:10 am
You are the second person to mention the FlyLady. I feel left out. I don’t know why I haven’t unsubscribed to the OHW (too lazy, not on a list, masochist).
My kids do some chores too, but I always feel like they should do more. They are really not living up to their full cleaning potential, I don’t think.
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July 22nd, 2014 at 1:14 pm
Hahaha! My first visit to your blog (from the publishing bloggers FB page). LOVE this. “Get out of bed” is on my mental list as well– it ‘s not as easy as it sounds.
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July 22nd, 2014 at 1:39 pm
So glad you found me! Get out of bed is DEFINITELY not as easy as it sounds. I only do it because I have to. 🙂
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July 23rd, 2014 at 5:56 am
Awesome as usual. Yes, I’m also a mad crazy list maker. My lists spawn baby lists. I add things to my list just to check them off. My house is a mess. I try not to add “cleaning x” to my list because I know that will never get crossed off which will make me even crazier. And yes, organized w/ an “s” got to me. Are you trying to tip me over the edge, lady? I’m so there!
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July 23rd, 2014 at 8:14 am
Liz! You are the only one so far who was as irritated as I was by the “s.” I had to it that way; I think her site is English English. But I could NOT write organized with an s when I was saying it, if that makes any sense….
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July 24th, 2014 at 5:20 am
I put things on my list that I already did just so I can cross them out! And seriously, the dishes NEVER FREAKING END.
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July 24th, 2014 at 8:32 am
Seriously! And the laundry! I like to complete a task and then have it be OVER.
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July 24th, 2014 at 2:58 pm
I am a list maker. So bad at one point that I had to see someone about it. My husband just told me that I could not write for the Organized Housewife. Real nice babe.
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July 24th, 2014 at 5:29 pm
Hahaha! But you’d be so good at it!
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July 30th, 2014 at 2:30 pm
Love it! I don’t know why I can’t out away the laundry, which I have picked up, washed, folded and delivered back to my doorstep the next day. (I live in Brooklyn-there is a service for everything!) It takes me a week or two to put away the neatly folded laundry. I, however, am the opposite of you. A messy slob. Not dirty–my dishes get washed every day and I thank The Lord for my Wet Jet Swiffer, but a slob. Shoes, clothes, toys… Everywhere! I hired myself a housekeeper (from a service, of course) and it was the BEST decision I’ve ever made. Live the post. Wish I was taught to use the “s” instead of the “z”. Love it!
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July 30th, 2014 at 3:14 pm
Thanks so much! I am SO JEALOUS of your laundry service! That sounds amazing. Now I’m going to sit here and daydream about someone picking up after me, lol.
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