July 16, 2014

So, I Peed On Myself Yesterday.

By Steph

Yesterday started out badly when I realized that my going-out yoga pants were dirty and I’d have to wear my staying-home yoga pants with the hole in them.  I was not thrilled, but I wanted to be comfortable for my stress test so I could kick its ass.

I went to take a shower and somehow my husband’s towel was hung up on the shower head. SO when I jerked open the curtain, the towel pulled the shower head, which turned towards me and sprayed me right in the damned face with scalding hot water. The words that came out of my mouth were not nice.

At the hospital, I began nervous talking and continued to talk until I could no longer breathe and talk at the same time. The nurses now know more than they ever wanted to know about me and my family, and I learned that it only takes 5 minutes of treadmill walking before I collapse.

When I got home I stopped in at my grandma’s house and I was telling the family about a semi-funny incident where my boobs were hanging out during the test and the nurse opened the door. My grandma immediately piped up with, “Don’t know why you were worried about being exposed.” Apparently some Mardi Gras pics from 11 fucking years ago somehow made their way into her possession. So that was awesome. Now my uncle, his fiancé, her daughter, my grandma, and all my cousins know exactly how much fun I had in New Orleans. Did I mention this was 11 fucking years ago?

I took my blushy self off to the house only to discover that the phone and internet were out. The phone company sent a guy out to fix the line and Thing 3 entertained herself by staring at him through the window the whole time, the little weirdo.

Then we took a nap cause I was beat. I woke up to use the bathroom, but I guess I wasn’t really awake, because while I was *ahem* going I thought I saw a spider. I drew my legs up fast and was perched on the toilet like a monkey before I even realized that I was still peeing.  Yes.  I pissed all over myself and the bathroom and I don’t even think there was a spider.

 

Please never search for "monkey on a toilet." You're welcome.

Please never search for “monkey on a toilet.” You’re welcome.

So yesterday was pretty eventful. I don’t know the results of the test yet, but I didn’t die so I think I must’ve done pretty well. *pats self on back*

About Steph

I like words. I suspect I would like sanity, but I really have no way of knowing. I can be reasonable, but not often. View all posts by Steph
This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 16th, 2014 at 9:17 am and tagged with , , , , , and posted in Just Being Awesome, small humans, total chaos, your health is your wealth and this is why I'm poor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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