Yesterday started out badly when I realized that my going-out yoga pants were dirty and I’d have to wear my staying-home yoga pants with the hole in them. I was not thrilled, but I wanted to be comfortable for my stress test so I could kick its ass.
I went to take a shower and somehow my husband’s towel was hung up on the shower head. SO when I jerked open the curtain, the towel pulled the shower head, which turned towards me and sprayed me right in the damned face with scalding hot water. The words that came out of my mouth were not nice.
At the hospital, I began nervous talking and continued to talk until I could no longer breathe and talk at the same time. The nurses now know more than they ever wanted to know about me and my family, and I learned that it only takes 5 minutes of treadmill walking before I collapse.
When I got home I stopped in at my grandma’s house and I was telling the family about a semi-funny incident where my boobs were hanging out during the test and the nurse opened the door. My grandma immediately piped up with, “Don’t know why you were worried about being exposed.” Apparently some Mardi Gras pics from 11 fucking years ago somehow made their way into her possession. So that was awesome. Now my uncle, his fiancé, her daughter, my grandma, and all my cousins know exactly how much fun I had in New Orleans. Did I mention this was 11 fucking years ago?
I took my blushy self off to the house only to discover that the phone and internet were out. The phone company sent a guy out to fix the line and Thing 3 entertained herself by staring at him through the window the whole time, the little weirdo.
Then we took a nap cause I was beat. I woke up to use the bathroom, but I guess I wasn’t really awake, because while I was *ahem* going I thought I saw a spider. I drew my legs up fast and was perched on the toilet like a monkey before I even realized that I was still peeing. Yes. I pissed all over myself and the bathroom and I don’t even think there was a spider.
So yesterday was pretty eventful. I don’t know the results of the test yet, but I didn’t die so I think I must’ve done pretty well. *pats self on back*
July 16th, 2014 at 9:24 am
HAHHAHA…oh man…I am NOT laughing AT you..I am laughing with you.
I’m a little bit laughing at you.
Glad you didn’t die!
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July 16th, 2014 at 9:29 am
Ha. I’m laughing at myself, so it’s okay *this time*.
Me too. 🙂
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July 16th, 2014 at 9:48 am
How is that even possible? How do pictures from eleven years ago suddenly materialize in the hands of relatives? That’s up there with the Bermuda Triangle, in terms of unexplained mysteries.
Terrifying…
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:08 am
Right?! I don’t even…I mean, at my *grandma’s house*?! Apparently they were under a dresser. I am still mortified.
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July 16th, 2014 at 9:51 am
I’ve peed on myself many times, but never while on the toilet. You rock.
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:08 am
Lmao. Yes, it takes a special kind of talent.
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:10 am
Have you ever pissed yourself in a store? You should, I highly recommend it. Hmm, my next post!
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:12 am
No, I have not. Thank God.
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:12 am
Yet.
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:15 am
LOL!
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July 16th, 2014 at 9:52 am
Good job not dying! But sorry you peed on yourself. That is never fun. But still preferable to someone ELSE peeing on you! 🙂
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:09 am
That is so true! Note to self: At least it was my own pee.
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July 16th, 2014 at 9:54 am
A brilliant post and so funny. Thanks for brightening the day!
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:10 am
Thank you! *grins* *whispers “I’m brilliant.”*
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:04 am
OH my. This sounds like a day I would have. At least you got the pee somewhere near the toilet…? Mine is usually on the floor, in my jeans, soaking through my underpants, in the shower, on the bed, and any old place I sneeze, cough, laugh and/or fart, really.
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:10 am
Hahahaha! It was so bad. And I was just like, “whaaa? What the fuck just happened here?” I mean…it was just bad.
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:04 am
I have a picture for this, but I’ll have to post it on the FB…
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:11 am
Lol. Okay. I’m a little scared.
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:26 am
So, er, yesterday wasn’t a great day overall I take it?!
Don’t worry. I’ve peed on myself whilst on the toilet before. Also, don’t know how I managed it. At least we’re not alone.
I’m loving your blog. You’re FUNNY. I like funny. (The word “funny” has just lost all meaning.)
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:28 am
Eh, it was alright. I mean, I’m still here, so that’s success really.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who’s pissed on themselves *while* on a toilet. I think.
Thank you! I try. Not always successful, but I do try.
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:35 am
Ah yes, the trick is to keep on breathing and laughing! 🙂
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:36 am
I’m working on it! 🙂
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July 16th, 2014 at 11:17 am
Is it okay to laugh? I’m laughing. If it’s not, then I’m totally not laughing.
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July 16th, 2014 at 11:55 am
Lol. Of *course* it’s okay to laugh.
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July 16th, 2014 at 12:32 pm
Phew. I didn’t want to get ninja kicked for laughing inappropriately.
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July 16th, 2014 at 5:58 pm
Because I’m clearly such a badass?
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July 17th, 2014 at 5:26 am
Clearly.
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July 16th, 2014 at 12:16 pm
Never die. You’re too funny to ever ever die.
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July 16th, 2014 at 5:58 pm
Ha! Thank you. I’ll see what I can do! 🙂
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July 16th, 2014 at 3:38 pm
Damn spiders!
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July 16th, 2014 at 5:59 pm
I know! It’s all their fault. Not mine. At all.
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July 16th, 2014 at 7:49 pm
so you googled monkey on toilet images……
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July 17th, 2014 at 7:13 am
bad idea, I’m telling you.
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July 16th, 2014 at 7:49 pm
Thanks for the PSA about not googling “monkey on toilet.” I assume it’s because of some other picture you found not the one you posted…..? Okay, now I’m going to have to google it. I lasted about 0 seconds.
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July 17th, 2014 at 7:13 am
Can you believe all the shit that popped up that was clearly NOT a monkey on a toilet? You don’t follow instructions very well, huh?
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July 16th, 2014 at 7:50 pm
and not to be 1 upped I just googled snails wearing hats. yeah totally got results too.
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July 17th, 2014 at 7:14 am
Weird. You might even be weirder than me, and THAT is saying quite a bit Jessica.
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July 16th, 2014 at 7:51 pm
LOL – at least it wasn’t a pregnant Mom spider that someone comes in a squashes and then you have a GAZILLION little spiders running EVERYWHERE !!!
Hope you have a better day tomorrow !
Me xox
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July 17th, 2014 at 7:14 am
Oh God…good point. I probably would’ve crawled IN the toilet if that happened.
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July 17th, 2014 at 8:22 pm
No! That’s a *thing*? Oh Jesus. Nightmares. Nightmares for the rest of my life.
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July 18th, 2014 at 5:31 pm
Eeeek!
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July 16th, 2014 at 10:45 pm
I feel the same way about spiders — and you never know, urine might be a surefire way to kill one!
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July 17th, 2014 at 7:15 am
Hey! Maybe there WAS a spider and I killed it with my pee! Thank you Jana, now I feel like maybe I subconsciously had a plan.
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July 17th, 2014 at 2:46 pm
Oh my GOSH. The spraying in the face picture. Just. whew. *wipes actual tears* You made me laugh so hard I cried. Not peed, but close enough.
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July 18th, 2014 at 5:27 pm
Lol. Yay! (At least one of us has dry pants.)
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July 17th, 2014 at 4:18 pm
Unlike others here, I am laughing at you. But in a good way.
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July 18th, 2014 at 5:28 pm
LMAO! I had to read this one to my husband.
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July 17th, 2014 at 5:00 pm
hahahahaha I love you! This is awesome. All of it. Even the pee. And I have to say, you know you’re having a bad day when the best silver lining is “at least I didn’t die”. LOL
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July 18th, 2014 at 5:29 pm
I love you too Beth! Thank you, thank you. I just realized that I began and ended that day with unintended moisture.
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July 18th, 2014 at 8:03 am
OK. This post feels a tad too share-y, but I practically peed myself reading it.
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July 18th, 2014 at 5:32 pm
There’s no such thing as too share-y, Mike. That’s not even a word.
(duh.)
P.S. I’m headed your way, I hope I’m not too late for the win a doodle!
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July 18th, 2014 at 11:27 pm
I like your writing style. Classic naughty. I live by this motto: Its better that I piss on myself than to have you piss me off. Hope you are well rested.
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July 19th, 2014 at 8:39 am
Thanks! Lol, that is an interesting motto!
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July 20th, 2014 at 1:29 am
I hate stress tests! I already told about my chemical one but I did a treadmill one once too. What a disaster. At least you were on the toilet when you peed yourself and not out in public.
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July 20th, 2014 at 8:38 am
Silver lining! Yes. It would have been much more embarrassing had *anyone* seen.
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July 23rd, 2014 at 2:23 am
[…] if Steph at “We Don’t Chew Glass” can write a hilarious and very readable blog post about nothing more than peeing on herself (sorry […]
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July 23rd, 2014 at 8:12 am
Hahahaha. I’m glad you thought it was readable. I’m a mess. 🙂
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August 3rd, 2014 at 10:03 pm
I have stomach issues, am lactose intolerant and have cancer–I won’t even begin to describe what has happened to me TWICE in the past month. Let’s just say 1. Thank God I was wearing a huge overnight maxi pad the first time and 2. My panties ended up in the bathroom sink with a scrub brush and a bar of ivory soap the second. Are you with me? Gross. I love this post. Gotta laugh at yourself sometimes.
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August 4th, 2014 at 5:28 am
Oh dear! Laugh or cry, right? You poor thing. I’m glad you’re laughing!
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September 26th, 2014 at 6:27 am
[…] us in her hardships as well; she responds to comments (yay!) and is super nice; she admits when she pees on herself but gives us all a wake up call when we need […]
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