Things I thought about today while getting a massage or Why Stephanie Cannot Fucking Relax, Ever:
1. I’m wearing my underwear. I don’t even care, I’m not taking them off.
2. Isn’t it a little weird to pay a stranger to rub on your naked body?
3. It’s a little chilly in here.
4. The electric bill is past due. It was in my wallet and I forgot to drop it off. Surely they don’t shut the power off on a Saturday? The kids are gonna be pissed if there’s no electricity.
5. I hope my phone is on silent. I don’t want them calling me to complain about the power being out while I’m relaxing.
6. That hurt a little bit.
7. It smells funny in here. Well, it’s kind of a good funny.
8. Just breathe, Jesus, you’re supposed to be relaxed.
9. How is it possible that I don’t remember how to breathe? In through the nose, out through the mouth.
10. I’m breathing so weird.
11. I hope she doesn’t think I’m enjoying this massage too much. God, this is weird. Why am I paying a stranger to touch me without my clothes?
12. In through the nose, out through the mouth. I WILL NOT HAVE A PANIC ATTACK ON THIS TABLE. In and out.
13. Was that my stomach? Where should I eat after this? Please stop growling, stomach, you are embarrassing me!
14. I just drooled. I drooled on the floor like an imbecile.
15. Is the hour almost over? I’m done with this. I can’t lay here much longer.
16. TURN OVER?
17. Breathe, in and out. You’re panting for chrissake. She doesn’t know you have anxiety. She just thinks you are a freak.
18. I wonder if the kids are behaving. I bet they are calling me right now and my phone’s on silent and the electricity is out and I bet they are hot and I just bought groceries!
19. Surely the power company has the holiday weekend off.
20. BREATHE, IDIOT!
Although I am a complete dork and about as awkward as it is possible to be, it was a good massage and the lady was very nice even though I was not acting like a normal human.
We Don't Chew Glass 
July 6th, 2014 at 11:39 am
I had a massage exactly once. Inside my head sounded a lot like yours only more panicky. Never again.
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:52 pm
At least it stayed inside our heads, right?
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July 6th, 2014 at 12:42 pm
You have got to learn the Harry Potter method of Anxiety Busting™.
When my brain starts racing with thoughts, I force it to walk its way through all the Harry Potter movies one scene at a time in full detail to shut my brain up. This is particularly useful when trying to go to sleep when your brain wants to replay all the ways you could have said the right things in a conversation 3 years ago but didn’t.
This also works with Back To The Future, Ghostbuster, or any movie you’ve seen so many times that you know the whole thing in order if you really think about it.
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:52 pm
That’s why I have to breathe in, breathe out. Because my mind freezes up and I can’t remember anything. Similar to if someone asks me a question involving math…everything I ever knew is just gone. I do appreciate your trademark though and I’m going to mention this technique to my husband. He will love it.
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July 6th, 2014 at 1:18 pm
Poor you, I don’t do relax either! 😉 hope you did feel a little better after…
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:50 pm
I did actually, bodywise. My back was killing me when I went in and it hasn’t hurt since.
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July 7th, 2014 at 3:04 pm
Result! Hope your body is being a bit friendlier to you!
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July 6th, 2014 at 1:36 pm
i might be okay if the masseuse was a man. Wait a sec…I tend to pass gas when I am overly relaxed, so nevermind.
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:49 pm
HAHAHAHA….Mer’s all, “oops, excuse me.” What’s the etiquette for that anyway? If you know one’s coming, do you say something or just let it out? Asking for a friend.
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July 8th, 2014 at 7:01 am
Well…I would blame it on the dog. 🙂
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July 6th, 2014 at 3:11 pm
I kind of feel like that too, so I decided to talk my husband into massaging me…but then I fell asleep. He swears he finished my hour, and I paid, but now I’m not so sure…I paid him in advance…am I really getting my “money’s worth”? Ugh! (probably not since he wants to give me a massage all the time now) 😉
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:48 pm
He ripped you off! I can almost guarantee it. Lol. My husband would massage me, but only for like 5 seconds cause I think he has arthritis in his hands.
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July 6th, 2014 at 3:32 pm
“Normal” is just a setting on the damn washing machine. 😉 And honestly, massages get easier the more often you go have them.
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:47 pm
This is where the “make friends” part comes in. I’m totally going to stalk my masseuse until we are besties.
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July 6th, 2014 at 5:15 pm
HAHAHAHA…I love this.
Yes..the breathing part always feels weird. I am afraid I sound like the elephant man or darth vader
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:45 pm
You probably do.
hahahahaha
(me too.)
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July 6th, 2014 at 5:56 pm
bahhaha yes-I don’t like them either. I think I have found a kindred spirit in you except I can’t write about shit because then my mom would find out and I’d get sent to my room. Nevermind that she doesn’t live with me and that I’m 49!
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:44 pm
We must be kindred spirits then, because on FB my mom posted “YOU SAID YOU WERE AT A YARDSALE!”
Thanks, mom. I love it when you do that.
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July 6th, 2014 at 6:11 pm
I’ve never had a massage, I’ve never been able to reconcile the fact that under no circumstances would I want another man touching me like that AND under no circumstances would I want a woman touching me either…I guess I let the anxiety fuck it all up before even getting around to making the phone call. Breeaathe
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:43 pm
I’m always and forever thinking, “hey, that sounds fun” then I’m doing it and I’m like this is not fun at all. This is the opposite of fun. I think I have thinking problems.
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July 6th, 2014 at 6:44 pm
Possibly it’s not the massage itself that’s meant to be relaxing, but the ability to breathe normally once you’re out.
My last massage really hurt, to the point where I wanted to yelp. But in a way it was a good thing as it seemed less weird than if had just been stroking.
That bit where you turn over is never not awkward though. I ALWAYS drool. And how long is it appropriate to lie there afterwards before getting dressed? That bit alone stresses me right out.
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:42 pm
Good question! Cause they say lie there until you’re ready, but I don’t think they mean that because I kind of felt like a nap.
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July 6th, 2014 at 8:20 pm
Ooooohhhh, I LOVE massages! I went for nearly a half century without one, but once I tried one, I was hooked. Sometimes when my mind races, I’ll try to think of my “happy place”. I also occasionally drool — and I always get stuffed up while I’m on the table (I don’t know why). I get so relaxed that I sometimes fall asleep — I know this, because I’ll let out a snore and will wake myself up. That’s a bit embarrassing (or maybe a compliment?)
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:40 pm
Falling asleep is maybe a compliment? I was worried about being worried too – like I was insulting her by not relaxing right. Clearly I worry too much. I got stuffy too. The position maybe?
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July 6th, 2014 at 8:43 pm
How I dealt with this? I made friends with my masseuse. Now I don’t feel awkward or embarrassed at all and if I drool or fart we just laugh and laugh.
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:38 pm
That is a damned good idea. I think I’ve told you before that you are a genius.
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July 6th, 2014 at 9:20 pm
I’m a loud breather. It helps if they have soothing background music 🙂 If it makes you feel any better, know they have probably seen MUCH worse.
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:36 pm
Good point. I could be physically gross and dirty AND freakishly awkward, lol.
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July 7th, 2014 at 9:50 am
I thought I was the only one who couldn’t relax during a massage. I actually get bored about 20 minutes in and just want to go. And I don’t like the flipping over part either.
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July 7th, 2014 at 2:33 pm
Do we have ADD or something? Like I need another diagnosis, lol.
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July 8th, 2014 at 10:21 am
Bahahahahaha
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July 8th, 2014 at 12:05 pm
Is this not how everyone acts when getting a massage?
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July 8th, 2014 at 12:12 pm
Hell, idk. I’ve never had one.
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July 8th, 2014 at 2:25 pm
I’ve never had a professional massage — for pretty much the reasons you listed here.
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July 8th, 2014 at 4:17 pm
Oh, you oughta try it.
Lol.
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July 9th, 2014 at 3:48 am
My daughter’s a massage therapist. I’m sending this link to her! 🙂
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July 9th, 2014 at 7:39 am
Hahaha! Next time she does a massage, she’ll be wondering wth the person is thinking. If they seem tense, she should smack ’em and say, “Shut that brain off!”
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July 9th, 2014 at 7:30 pm
Number 11 made me remember this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Spny9p0G_yc
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July 10th, 2014 at 8:24 am
Hahaha. I should not have watched that with my daughter sitting here, lol.
At least I didn’t sound like that!
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July 10th, 2014 at 6:41 am
Haha. I’d be the exact same way. Ain’t nobody touching me!! I only ever had a foot massage. It was on my honeymoon and the woman kept calling me m’lady. I just can’t. My feet have never relaxed since.
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July 10th, 2014 at 8:29 am
Hahaha! Your poor feet!
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July 26th, 2014 at 9:01 pm
I spend a lot of time thinking about stupid crap when I’m getting a massage. I have to actively talk myself into relaxing. Fantastic isn’t it? But I love them…sooooo much!
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July 28th, 2014 at 2:51 pm
Glad to know I’m not the only one with a brain that won’t STFU, lol. I did feel a LOT better afterwards. It may be time to torture myself into relaxation again.
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January 7th, 2016 at 8:53 am
my 4 year old baby is in SURGERY & here I am rolling on the hospital floor laughing.. only you could make this happen… 😘
p.s. I do the same thing through the whole massage! ridiculous
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January 13th, 2016 at 2:26 pm
LMAO! I’m glad I could take your mind off your worries for a minute. Hope everything is okay?
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