Yesterday was another eventful day, beginning with this conversation with my husband regarding a woman I saw standing on a corner holding a sign asking for money to feed her kids:
Me: So, a lady with a large cardboard sign may come down to the shop. Give her some money, okay?
Him: Say what?
Me: She needs it to feed her kids and I don’t have any cash. I told her to go to your store.
Him: I’m not sure you know how businesses work. Are you ever going to send someone to me who HAS money? Like to BUY things?
Me: Good point. But give her some money this time, and I promise I won’t do this anymore today.
Him: You do know there’s a food pantry you could send these people to, right?
Me: Oh. No, I hadn’t thought about that. Thanks!
He loves it when I send homeless people to his store. Loves it.
You may remember that at a recent doctor’s appointment they did an EKG because of some pain randomly and of course it was “abnormal” so there was this big deal about “it’s probably nothing” but “we have to check it out” and “the cardiologist will just tell you it’s fine and send you on your way.”
I’m beginning to think they just said those things because I was crying.
I went to the cardiologist yesterday and he did an EKG and it was abnormal too, so now he wants to do another test “just to rule out” and “it’s probably nothing” but “we have to check it out.”
Hmmm. The good news is he says whatever the issue may be, he doesn’t think it will interfere with having my murderous gallbladder removed. So there’s that.
Also, I learned that doctors do not find me funny. Not at all. I suppose med school sucked all their funny out, cause we all know I’m fucking hilarious. I’m going to try again next week when I go for that #biliary bullshit (thank you Sarah!) and we’ll see if gallbladder peeps are more attuned to my stellar wit than cardiologists.
I also learned that when you write notes to yourself on your hand in blue ink while you are waiting for the doctor and then put your chin in your hand so you look calm and like you are a good listener, you end up looking like you spent your time waiting by doodling on your face. Which, again, doctors do not find amusing.
No wonder they think I am not funny and a little crazy.
Lastly, I found these little darlings and just had to bring them home with me, due to the whole crazy bird eye they were giving me.
They remind me of myself.
We Don't Chew Glass 
June 27th, 2014 at 11:10 am
I recently spent a Saturday night and most of Sunday in the ER and then being admitted to the hospital where I was treated to two EKG’s, an echo, and a nuclear stress test. My EKG’s had “nonspecific changes” which they said are probably normal for me, and the diagnosis of a mild heart murmur which they said I have probably had since birth and is nothing to worry about but still freaks me out. They then said that the symptoms I was experiencing (mainly tightness) are often indicative of issues with one’s gallbladder or GI issues such as acid reflux. I have to have a sonogram of my gallbladder here soon. Yay.
The cardiologist I saw did say that because I am NOT a member of the Itty BItty TItty Committee, it is very possible that the “abnormalities” they saw in my EKG were due to the tech not having taped my girls down prior to administering the test. I was not amused.
Hope things get better for you!
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June 27th, 2014 at 11:14 am
HA! I am a member of that group and they did not mention tape to me, lol. I’ve already had the gallbladder ultrasound and it was a piece of cake. But since it didn’t show anything now I have to go for a HIDA scan where they put dye or something and watch it go thru the gallbladder. Then I’ve got to have the stress echocardiogram — is that what you did? On a treadmill or something? I know I have reflux but I can’t believe with all the shit I take that I’m still having this much pain. I hope you feel much better very soon! Keep me posted!
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June 27th, 2014 at 4:25 pm
Steph, what I had was actually the nuclear stress test which is when they inject this stuff into you and it basically makes you feel like you ran from zero to sixty in about 1.2 seconds. Or in other words, like you’re about to die. Then they do another scan and they can see the dye as it travels through your heart or something like that. All I know is, it wasn’t fun, and the only good thing about it is learning that I don’t have any cardiac problems other than the heart murmur which is apparently no big deal.
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June 27th, 2014 at 4:55 pm
well, I’m glad you don’t have any other problems. I’m pretty sure I’m just going to walk on a treadmill while they look at my heart muscles with…maybe ultrasound?
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June 27th, 2014 at 11:18 am
You ARE fucking hilarious!
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June 27th, 2014 at 11:25 am
Thanks! Doctors, pfft.
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June 27th, 2014 at 12:36 pm
Doctors can’t even write their names…
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June 27th, 2014 at 11:19 am
Its true – medical people as a rule completely lack a sense of humor but then you’ll get the one random Dr who thinks he’s a laugh riot and its a little off putting. Know who really appreciates a good joke or sharp wit? TSA – those airport folk are a hoot!
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June 27th, 2014 at 11:27 am
I guess it would’ve been worse if the doctor was cracking jokes while talking about heart trouble. But he shoulda laughed at my jokes anyway! Lol. I try to stay out of airports, so I’ll just have to take your word for it on that one.
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June 27th, 2014 at 11:37 am
Gall bladders are evil, evil, evil creatures. I hate them. I hate them so much.
Here’s a joke that my friend told the nurses when he went in for his gall bladder surgery:
“Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.”
Apparently he told it like 4 times but didn’t remember because of the anaesthesia. Ha!
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June 27th, 2014 at 12:05 pm
Ha! I’d like to have someone video me while I’m under anesthesia. But then I’d have to have sole ownership of the video. Just in case I did something weird, which is so, so likely.
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June 27th, 2014 at 12:13 pm
Oh, tell me about it. When I had my second baby, (which a long story which involves all those horrid “labor” stories I won’t bore you with, so will skip right to this–)…I had to go home with a walker and a wheelchair for a month.
The medical people SO DID NOT THINK I WAS FUNNY.
For some reason, they sent a PT person down to adjust the walker for my height or whatever, so I said, “It should be easy. Is it ‘one hump’ or ‘two’?” Him: *nothing*
Then they said they needed to work with me to show me how to use it. And I said, “If I get to the bathroom without falling down, I’m doing it right. Right?” Him: *nothing*
I asked if I could attach some fringe or dingle-balls to the top to decorate it, too. We were laughing so hard about this, that we were in tears. And they still TOTALLY DID NOT GET IT.
Ahh. *wipes tear* Good times.
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June 27th, 2014 at 4:46 pm
Lol! Good times indeed. So did you fringe it up?
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June 27th, 2014 at 6:42 pm
Nope, but we sure had fun talking about it, or hanging dice from it. 😀
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June 27th, 2014 at 12:35 pm
My doctor doesn’t find me funny either…which is so lame…because I’m freaking hysterical.
I’m going to agree with the doctor though and believe that your issues are ‘nothing’ because I don’t want them to be ‘something’
something is unacceptable and we won’t have any of it.
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June 27th, 2014 at 4:47 pm
You are definitely hysterical. And I agree, we just won’t have it. I’ll tell ’em that next time I go in.
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June 27th, 2014 at 1:26 pm
My husband is always making inappropriate comments at the doctor’s offices and I think he has ruined them for the rest of the people who are actually funny…..like the first time I was pregnant and the test came back positive and he told the nurse that he really didn’t want us to have to quit using crack.
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June 27th, 2014 at 4:48 pm
Bahahaha! That is hilarious. Give him a high five for me.
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June 27th, 2014 at 1:54 pm
My doctor DOES think I’m funny. My neurologist ….well the jury is still out. I had an EEG which is a blast because I was sleep deprived and the longer I go the loopier I get and i highly recommend it, but my ekg wasnt any big but they were only looking for this weird beat i kept having which is like a tiny little misfired bloop on a EKG but FEELS like you’re dying because your heart YOUR HEART!!!! and makes the panic level skyrocket 🙂 Apparently its common in woman my age.( Yeah the 30 plus psychopath crowd) Are you going to ask to keep your gallbladder? because i would like to see it….maybe poke it with something or pour salt on it like a slug.
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June 27th, 2014 at 4:49 pm
You are so weird.
(Yes, I’ll totally ask.)
I forgot you had all that crap going on too. Are you feeling much better?
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June 27th, 2014 at 8:32 pm
i would seriously like to see it. im not kidding. insides r interesting.
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June 28th, 2014 at 7:17 am
“insides are interesting.” I’m glad you are in the animal medical field and get to see insides at work. Otherwise I might fear for us all.
I’m not grossed out by them, but I don’t necessarily want to poke it with a stick either.
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June 27th, 2014 at 1:57 pm
also i almost didnt read this because ur birds are fucking creepy
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June 27th, 2014 at 4:51 pm
I LOVE THOSE BIRDS. And you are contractually obligated to read everything I write. Yes, I know what contractually means. No, we don’t have a contract. But still.
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June 27th, 2014 at 8:31 pm
Its possible i signed something but im preeetttyy sure therer is a freaky birds clause. I still have that weird beat especially when im stressed the fudge out. but it helps when your doctor is pretty sure youre not dying i mean hes a professional right ,he should know, wouldnt he? Right? Right?! aww god… Off time heartbeat. Dammit.
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June 28th, 2014 at 7:15 am
Your heart is beating fast out of guilt from insulting my birds.
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June 27th, 2014 at 2:08 pm
I don’t know about doctor-types but I think you’re funny!
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June 27th, 2014 at 4:51 pm
Aw, thank you! I do try. Then sometimes, I’m just silly and it’s fun to laugh at.
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June 27th, 2014 at 6:25 pm
Steph, I can’t believe it took being stranded on a bloggy island to discover your shit, you’re fucking hilarious! Nah, Doctors aren’t funny, being a condescending know-it-all must crush the funny bone or something…it does make them fun to tease though.
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June 27th, 2014 at 6:45 pm
Haha! You’re right. And usually you have to wait so long that you need entertainment. Sorry, docs!
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June 27th, 2014 at 7:44 pm
When I had my surgery two weeks ago, I thought I was hilarious (as much as I could be when I couldn’t move due to pain) and only one nurse cracked a smile – and I think it was a pity smile. I don’t need your damn pity smile, lady! PS, I have some real LIVE birds that seem to love hanging out in houses – do you want me to send you some?
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June 28th, 2014 at 7:12 am
We don’t need no pity smiles! Lol.
Please do not send birds.
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June 28th, 2014 at 7:40 am
You crack my ass up, for sure.
I also found that specialists have little to no sense of humor, so it isn’t just you.
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June 28th, 2014 at 9:22 am
I knew it!
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June 28th, 2014 at 6:00 pm
How can the doctors not think you are funny? Maybe they think guffawing will make them look unprofessional. That’s the only possible explanation.
And I love the birds.
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June 28th, 2014 at 6:57 pm
That must be it! Lol. Or maybe I should start passing them notes. I’ve heard that I’m funnier in writing. Would that be weird?
And thank you, they are watching over my desk. 😉
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June 29th, 2014 at 3:32 pm
I’ll give you two more birds if you do it.
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June 29th, 2014 at 3:35 pm
Lol! Doctors appointment Tuesday. It’s on.
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June 29th, 2014 at 9:54 am
You are funny. It’s just that doctor’s have had to remove their humor sensors from their brains to make room for all that medical knowledge. Also, most of mine don’t think I am funny either. They are clearly mistaken.
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June 29th, 2014 at 10:15 am
Clearly! I bet you’re right.
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June 30th, 2014 at 8:16 am
There are doctors out there with good senses of humor. I’ve met them. They might not be good doctors, exactly, but they’ll laugh at your jokes — and isn’t that the most important thing, really?
Also, I find that cheerful doctors usually have the loosest prescription pads in town. So plan accordingly if your self-diagnosis requires a zippy dose of percocet.
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June 30th, 2014 at 8:29 pm
I’ll take that kind. I feel pretty confident in my WebMD skillz. Laugh at my jokes and give me some meds, Doc!
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