I just realized that, according to my search terms, people are coming here for answers. Answers to the important questions, like what to do about that invisible ball sweat when you’re cracked out. Where to go for help if you’ve eaten glass. When to go to the ER for your I.U.D.
I feel like it’s safe to say I’ve let those people down.
I don’t have any answers — hell, I don’t even know what I should do most of the time. But I do like to be helpful.
So I’ve composed a list of Things You Should Do If You Want To Be A Person.
1. Don’t Chew Glass. I feel like this should be mostly self-explanatory, but I understand that some people do actually eat things that were never intended to be ingested. So don’t chew glass, guys. It will hurt really bad and likely not taste that great.
2. Don’t do meth. If you have already done it when you found your way here, don’t do it anymore. Meth will make your teeth fall out and your personal hygiene will go completely by the wayside. Greasy hair and no teeth is not a good look for anyone. Plus, you may have to deal with invisible ball sweat, and nobody wants that.
3. Don’t trust monkeys. They might look cute, but they are hairy deviants and I know what I’m talking about.
4. Don’t teach your kids to talk. They will never stop and half of what they say will be complaints. The other half will be embarrassing shit said to strangers, like “My mom thinks it’s funny when people fart.”
5. Don’t believe everything you see on Pinterest. You might think that I just mess stuff up, but I’ve come to realize that there is an asshole sitting somewhere laughing at all of us attempting his impossibly perfect projects. Fuck you, perfect asshole. Beads were never intended to go in the oven and that cake was a goddamned travesty.
6. Always watch what you’re doing with your head. One incident with a pancake griddle and I promise you will never live it down.
7. Carry mace and listen to police officers, but if a police officer tries to mace someone inside a building, run. Mace is not selective and everybody will go down.
8. Don’t judge yourself based on your cat’s opinion of you. Cats can be very cruel, especially if they feel slighted or you’ve brought a new kitten home because you thought they might like a friend. *cries a little*
9. Collect things, but not things like crabs or the clap. Be selectively collective. (OH MY GOD THAT’S SO AWESOME!)
10. Think of righteous sayings and then publicly pat yourself on the back. *pats back* *nods.* *whispers “selectively collective.”*
We Don't Chew Glass 
June 22nd, 2014 at 8:47 pm
See, I wish I’d known about #3 and #4 years ago. #4 is pretty self-explanatory. For #3 all I’ll say is that a monkey once stole a hamburger off my 5 year-old’s plate. It was a bit traumatic.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 8:11 am
Oh my gosh! Deviants, I’m telling you! Those sneaky, sneaky…monkeys.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 4:37 am
HAHAHAHA….This is great. And sadly, I think a lot of people need this list. I would add: don’t put super glue on your face (my niece did once, glued her lips together) and stop putting things on the stove and walking away (the number one reason why hubs burns things)
Seriously though..this list is hysterical…You make me laugh.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 8:13 am
Aw, thank you. I definitely should’ve put one about super glue. Like, don’t glue your hands to roll up blinds and then accidentally roll them up.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 5:03 am
Man, I was totally up for trying meth until you mentioned the invisible ball sweat…
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June 23rd, 2014 at 8:13 am
I’m glad I could help, Sean.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 5:52 am
I have been lucky enough not to contract the clap…but thanks to you, I know I NEVER will. Thank you for helping me, Steph.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 8:14 am
Anytime Merry. I mean that.
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June 24th, 2014 at 8:54 am
Thanks, Steph. LOL
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June 23rd, 2014 at 7:41 am
This is why I don’t have a cat. My dog doesn’t judge me. I think…
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June 23rd, 2014 at 8:15 am
Dogs don’t judge, you’re right. But they might try to hump your face, which my cat would never do because I am not good enough for her. So.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 8:27 am
My dog has never tried to hump any part of my body. So I win.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 8:35 am
Sadly, I think you’re right.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 8:47 am
I’m not sad about this at all.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 10:46 am
Doesn’t surprise me at all.
🙂
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June 23rd, 2014 at 10:47 am
😉
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June 23rd, 2014 at 9:41 am
Don’t teach your kids to talk– you are a genius, why hadn’t I thought of this? It’s not too late for me, I’ll do this advice justice.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 10:47 am
You are going to have to be careful — they are super smart. If you talk to them, it will never work. Godspeed, friend.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 10:03 am
Don’t teach your kids to talk. I love that one. I have been telling people this for years…yet nobody listens………UNTIL its too late. If only they would listen earlier. And I am virtually high fiving you on the “selectively collective”.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 10:47 am
*high five* Lol. Awesome.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 11:22 am
Number three, damn it!!! NUMBER THREE!!!
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June 23rd, 2014 at 11:36 am
You’re welcome. I hope it’s not too late.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 12:32 pm
My son was a late talker. During that time, my wife, Ellen, squandered all that blissful silence worrying about it. “What if he is delayed?” she’d keep asking with a furrowed brow.
Needless to say, these days my boy yaps about everything to everyone. Ellen’s semi-migraine is now constant. Careful what you wish for, I suppose.
And thank you, Steph, for continuing your public service announcements about those awful awful monkeys.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 2:44 pm
Mike, I’m not good for much, but you can totally count on me to keep you apprised of the awful ways of monkeys, with their lice picking, public masturbating, hamburger stealing nonsense.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 5:21 pm
You’re a good person, Steph.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 4:04 pm
#10 was best.
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June 23rd, 2014 at 4:36 pm
Thanks! You probably already knew to watch out for monkeys and meth.
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June 24th, 2014 at 9:59 am
I love search terms and could read a novel-size book of them. They are like haikus of confusion, poor spelling and optimism. I think some people use google as a sort of seer or gypsy fortune teller – some searches are so vague and open ended. And of course the meth related ones are the scariest and funniest in a tragic way. Thanks for the tips on glass and monkeys – it really helps me plan my day.
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June 25th, 2014 at 8:59 am
You put it perfectly. They are so hilarious, but some are sad if you think about the state of the person who wrote them.
You are so welcome! It’s a dangerous world out there. 🙂
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June 24th, 2014 at 10:28 am
I wanna be awesome like you when they finally make me grow up.
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June 25th, 2014 at 9:00 am
Oh, I’m not grown up yet! But they are making me act like it sometimes. Sucks.
And thank you so much!
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June 24th, 2014 at 7:33 pm
OK – I can’t be the only one who now absolutely needs to hear the story about the pancake griddle and your head. I can’t even FATHOM what was going on there – but I’m dying to find out! Spill it, sister!
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June 25th, 2014 at 9:01 am
Lol. Nothing really happened…I just tend to forget where my head is when I’m using my arms. Bent over to pick up my spatula and stuck my forehead to the griddle. My husband will never, never let it go. Ever.
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June 25th, 2014 at 4:22 pm
Thorough list. I love it. *grinning huge* I’m a little annoyed I didn’t know about not teaching my kids to talk. #epicfail
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June 25th, 2014 at 5:12 pm
Right?! I didn’t know that one till it was too late. Far, far too late.
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June 25th, 2014 at 6:08 pm
This is all incredibly wise advice.I shall do my best to do it justice. Especially the one about mace….and glass. And fricken Pinterest! Love it!
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June 25th, 2014 at 6:10 pm
I am so glad to be of service. If you have any questions about life, I’ll be happy to help. Because clearly, I know what the fuck I’m doing.
Lol. Thanks!
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June 27th, 2014 at 7:53 am
To be fair, “selectively collective” is awesome.
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June 27th, 2014 at 10:02 am
That’s what I thought! Thanks!
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June 27th, 2014 at 5:53 pm
That cat one I really needed to hear.
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June 27th, 2014 at 6:43 pm
Never let a cat put you down. Well, I mean, you can’t stop them, but don’t take it too much to heart.
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June 29th, 2014 at 9:52 am
But what if I really want to learn sideshow skills like eating light bulbs? Then I’d have to chew glass.
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June 29th, 2014 at 10:15 am
I don’t recommend it, Maurnas, I don’t recommend it.
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June 23rd, 2015 at 11:51 am
I have said for years to people who can’t wait for their precious angel to say “Mama!” for the first time: OH YES YOU FUCKING CAN BECAUSE ONCE THEY START THEY WILL NOT SHUT UP. And if you MUST teach them to talk, their first word should be “Daddy” not “Mommy.” Otherwise you will spend the rest of your life hearing, “Hey Mommy…hey Mommy…hey Mommy…” I speak from experience.
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July 13th, 2015 at 7:32 am
Right?! And if they *do* say “Daddy” it will only be to ask where Mommy is.
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June 23rd, 2015 at 7:57 pm
I had to read through the comments so I wouldn’t repeat the question about the pancake griddle. I knew someone had to have already asked. And there it was. I swear on all that is holy, Stephanie, I tried not to laugh. I’m sure it hurt. I’m sorry.
Great list by the way. It should probably be required reading for some folks.
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July 13th, 2015 at 7:34 am
I forgive you. It’s a running joke around here now. 🙂
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