We had to take Thing 3 to have another set of blessed ear tubes put in again to give her some relief from the blasted recurrent ear infections. Since we live 10 miles outside of Timbuktu, we had quite a drive ahead of us and decided to throw in some family time and make the dreaded trip into a mini-vacay.
We figured the kid wouldn’t remember the tubes, but she might remember that Mommy and Daddy took her to the zoo.
Except we didn’t even make it to the zoo. (Probably a good thing, since animals are all perverts.) (Or maybe I’m the pervert. Either way.)
Here are a few things I learned on our way — our long, long way filled with constant chatter from one or all three kids.
1. Thing 2’s rendition of the Rice Krispies commercial was a bit disconcerting, since he fucked it up horribly.
“What?” he says over our laughter. “It’s crack, smack, Snapple, and pop, right?”
Um….no. Also, are you on drugs?
ricekrispies.com
2. Thing 3 is 5 years old and is turning into a smartass. I believe she gets it from her father.
Thing 3: *Rolls her eyes and sighs* What-EVER!
Thing 2: Oh no, you’re turning into a woman!
Thing 3: Your mom’s a woman.
So, my five-year-old is making “your mom” jokes, and I consider that a parenting win. Even though technically I think I was just insulted.
3. When we finally reached our destination, we headed directly for the pool. The kids and the husband swam while I found the cutest little patio area outside in the sun to smoke and read the paper. I discovered that I love sitting quietly while my kids are entertained by something that is not me and is free swimming.
This Is How It’s Done.
4. After the pool we had plans for the zoo, but as usual, my body betrayed me and we decided to rest and go to an arcade instead. The kids had great fun blowing my money, and I found out that Thing 3 thinks I am “the best mommy she’s got” because I drive “TURBO fast” in the go-kart. Hold your applause; we were the only ones on the track.
Getting ready to tear it up on some go-karts.
5. Then I learned that my gallbladder/heart/liver/something on my insides really does hate me and I almost had to go to the ER because I really know how to ruin have a good time. I was up most of the night moaning in the bathtub because I felt like an invisible murderous asshole was stabbing me in the stomach. Luckily for him he was invisible and possibly imaginary.
5. I learned that I am able to drive a wheelchair about as well as a car, and by that I mean not well at all. I ran into two people, a bed, a door, and a couple of walls before the wheelchair was confiscated.
6. The term “ants in your pants” is very apt. This actually happens and really does cause jiggling, jumping, and general insanity while you are being bitten. On the ass. In a parking lot. I’m sure there is film somewhere of me frantically slapping my own ass and screaming bloody murder.
peppysdevelopments.wordpress.com
7. Ant bites are huge. I have one for each cheek, so I should know.
8. I can catch a child’s milkshake vomit in a Wal-Mart sack with a hole in it while driving down the road and not spill any. Yes, I’d like a medal.
9. My oldest child is an angel and will make someone very lucky one day. (I actually already knew this one.) We got home and that kid ordered me to bed, brought me a fan and a washcloth, and helped get the other kids settled. He’s also adorable and a genius, but calm down ladies, he’s only 15.
10. If you go to the doctor and check every box that says, “nearly every day” on their little questionnaire and then burst into tears, they are much nicer to you than usual. Today I went to the doctor and had a total meltdown. And that was before they did an EKG “just to rule out heart problems” and the bastard came back “abnormal.” Of fucking course it did. Have I mentioned that my body hates me?
11. If you have plans for the weekend in spite of the fact that you know you should rest, your doctor will schedule an abundance of tests for Saturday, on just about every internal organ you have. Then the following week can be spent at cardiologists, gastroenterologists, psychiatrists, and other places well known for fun and games.
12. If you leave town for two days, your renters might take that as the perfect opportunity to leave town themselves, only they might take all their stuff and not leave any rent money. Anyone interested in a two bedroom in Timbuktu?
We Don't Chew Glass 
June 13th, 2014 at 1:10 am
Oh! Poor you, your body does seem to hate too. Nice nails though! 😉
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June 13th, 2014 at 9:52 am
Hey, thanks!
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June 13th, 2014 at 5:24 am
Damn hateful bods we have…my husband got bit on the sack one time by a black ant. It was hilarious.
No way I could pull off the zoo without a zippy cart.
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June 13th, 2014 at 9:53 am
On the SACK! I’m dying. That is hilarious and terrible. I was definitely going to get cart if we had gone.
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June 13th, 2014 at 11:18 am
It was a classic…he jumped and screamed…poor hubby had a welt on his sack. He wouldn’t let me take a pic.
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June 13th, 2014 at 11:47 am
I thought about taking a pic of my butt, but decided against it.
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June 13th, 2014 at 6:13 am
Remind me to never go on vacay with you, unless I feel like urping while you drive.
Hope the tests aren’t too gawd awful.
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June 13th, 2014 at 9:54 am
Yes, I would be extremely helpful to you if you have motion sickness. YOU SHOULD TAKE ME ON A CRUISE!
I’m sure the tests will be fine, except for the part about no eating or drinking after midnight. That part will suck, because we all know I can’t function without coffee, lol.
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June 13th, 2014 at 7:03 am
You are amazing. I think you should get two medals for the puke catch.
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June 13th, 2014 at 9:55 am
Two medals?! YES!
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June 13th, 2014 at 7:22 am
Definitely a medal. The second medal should be for not vomiting yourself or crashing the car. Kudos for that! As for your son, I’ve got an 11 year daughter that I’ll be looking to marry off in a few years. She’s pretty (no I’m not saying that because I’m her mom), uncannily smart, and unfortunately thinks she’s Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory. The good news is she wants to be a neurobiologist when she grows up- not a broke ass physicist.
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June 13th, 2014 at 9:57 am
I’m seriously expecting someone to send me a medal now.
Hahahaha! Sheldon. What a catch! Is she going to support you in your old age? That’s what I’m really hoping for.
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June 13th, 2014 at 8:00 am
Holy cow, that’s a lot of action! I hope you get some rest (and maintain your lovely sense of humor, if possible) amidst it all.
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June 13th, 2014 at 9:57 am
Thanks! Laugh or cry, right? Laughing is *so* much more fun.
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June 13th, 2014 at 1:50 pm
Okay..I hate to hear this. I don’t WANT you to be sick. So cut it out.
I’ve been bitten by ants before. It’s horrifying. And you’ll have those spots on your ass for months. I had bites all over my foot. The marks were there the entire summer.
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June 13th, 2014 at 4:14 pm
I don’t wanna either, Michelle (that was my super-whiny voice).
Will they really? They are so big! And it hurts when those bastards bite, doesn’t it?! Ouch, ouch, ouch, slap, slap, slap!
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June 13th, 2014 at 2:34 pm
I heartily approve if your version of ‘swimming’. That’s my favourite kind too.
Now I’d like a stern word with your body: GIVE THIS POOR WOMAN A BREAK!!! She’s flipping hysterical and needs a body as strong as her wit.
Ants, you can lay off too. You’re not helping.
Love your kids though. Just let me know if you want to trade any time.
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June 13th, 2014 at 4:16 pm
Hahaha! A stern word with my body. Love it. Hope she listens to you. And thank you so much! I *guess* I’ll keep the kids for now. Gimme a few days and ask again.
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June 13th, 2014 at 9:24 pm
I feel your pain, Steph — really I do! I just had to have surgery yesterday when my body decided to try to kill me. Being in pain and not knowing why (and imaging all of the worst things) is the worst. I was just glad someone finally took me seriously and took care of the problem. I hope the same for you!!! Let me know.
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June 14th, 2014 at 1:39 pm
I’m glad you are okay and got your stuff taken care of! I had an ultrasound today so we will see. Feel better soon!
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