This is me, looking on the bright side. Don’t blink.
Snakes. Snakes are lovely.
Snakes eat mice.
I’m trying this
bullshit thing called cognitive behavioral therapy, because as I’ve been told a hundred fucking times, what you think is how you feel. So I am going to feel homicidal GREAT about the snake INFESTATION going on in my home IN THE DEAD OF WINTER.
Five Reasons This
Horror Nightmare Guest Is A-Okay:
1. You can save money on your heating bill in an effort to make your home less homey for heat-seeking
death worms reptiles.
2. You can
break your hip tone your thighs by clomping around your house in steel-toed boots and jumping a lot.
3. Your kids will get really good at “I Spy” and this is a skill all children should have.
4. You can finally make use of the ridiculous amount of swords you own.
5. You can help the local economy by paying someone
exorbitant sums of money a worthwhile fee to crawl around in your attic and say, “Ye-ah, where there’s one there’s usually a bunch more.” This is helpful to know.
6. You can save money on your water bill when
an asshole a well-meaning friend tells you that the snakes are probably getting in through the plumbing so you won’t be using your bathroom. Ever. Again.
I know, that was actually six reasons, but I am just so good at this positivity thing that I decided to keep going. Also, I am still in the market for a mongoose.