Monthly Archives: September 2013

R.I.P. Meat

Well, all the tests are back and it is official, I am now allergic to meat.  Thank you Lone Star tick, you little bastard.

If you don’t know what in the hell I’m talking about, Google “alpha-gal.”

I’m happy to know I’m not a nutcase (regarding this issue; I am very aware that I am, in fact, mostly crazy).

It has long been my rule that if it lived in water at any time, it does not go on my plate.  Clearly, I’m going to have to reassess.  Yesterday I had chocolate pie for breakfast.  This doesn’t seem like a good long-term plan.


I know best.

You know how when you know what’s best for someone else, but they won’t do what you say?  Think of this post as a public service announcement.   Some of us know exactly what the fuck we are talking about. You should listen.  Case in point:

My mom wanted to borrow a book from me.  Reasons this was a bad idea:

1.  I hate lending my books.
2.  I knew she wouldn’t like it.
3.  I hate lending my books.

I tried to tell her.  She insisted.

Me:  You won’t like that one.

Mom:  Why do you say that?  It sounds good.

Me:  She’s too dark.  You are not going to like that book.  Plus, there are lesbians.

Mom:  *huffy* You think I don’t like gay people?

Me:  I think you are going to hate that book, and probably lose it, and I HAVEN’T EVEN READ IT YET.

Mom:  I’ll bring it back.  I’ll even bring back the other one I borrowed.  (THIS.  This is why I hate lending books.)

I’m finally like, “Take the damn book.  But I want it and any other books back in a reasonable amount of time or I’m fining you.”   (I didn’t really say that.  But that’s a good idea.)

Anyway.  A day or so later she brings it back with this horrible look on her face and says, “Here.  I can’t read this.  It’s just…it’s too…this book isn’t good.”

I’m intrigued.  I knew she wouldn’t enjoy it, but if anything, I expected her to start it, forget about it, and me find it under her bed a year from now.  The fact that she brought it back holding it out like it was going to bite her was a little confusing to me.

So I started it last night.  Holy shit.  Guys.  I let my mom borrow a book in which the first two chapters include not only steamy lesbian sex, but a strap-on dildo, and extremely detailed descriptions of some rather creative pairings, such as unicorn-on-human.  (That might should be human-on-unicorn.  I’m not really clear on this.)

I think this may have cured her of borrowing my stuff.

(I told her she wouldn’t like it.)

 


Can you have dementia at 33?

This morning I had to go to town, which always sucks, and I had to talk to not only my son’s doctor but also my therapist, who is amazingly insightful and very, very good at what she does.  This is a recipe for disaster.  I’ve threatened to fire the woman numerous times because she is that good.  Anyway, I went, I did what I was supposed to do, yay me.

On the way home, I was hurting really bad (because I didn’t take my meds this morning because I was driving my kid *pats self on back*) so I dug out my medicine and tried to swallow and then realized I did not have a drink.  So I choked on the nasty little pill, and then started thinking that my esophagus must not be normal sized, and I was going to stop breathing, and wasn’t it ironic that I was going to die in a car accident while choking on a pill that is supposed to make me feel better.

This is the kind of crazy we’re dealing with here, people.  I eventually found an extra-strength 5-hour energy drink in my purse and drank that so I wouldn’t choke to death.  Then my purse fell off the seat, exposing the full bottle of water I had just gotten in town less than five minutes before this whole debacle.

Now I am alive, which is good, not too worried about my esophagus, which is also good, but quite a bit wound up, which could be either good or bad.  I think we should all probably be thankful that my husband still refuses to let me have a blow torch.


Unwilling vegan

I am SO UPSET.

I ate this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then THIS happened:

I'm also really good at art.

I’m also really good at art.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then I ate this:

bbq

 

 

 

 

 

Please see above picture of itchy red me.

I have almost died four times in the last two weeks.  I may be exaggerating a little.  But maybe not.  It’s been bad.  Wtf, y’all, is this even legal??  I am on an all Pop Tart and coffee diet until further notice.


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